The Suffering Is The Path

“Not everything that is faced can be changed,” said James Baldwin. “But nothing can be changed until it is faced.” 

Humans, on the whole, have an aversion to suffering. We tend not to want a lot of pain in our lives, and often we will do our best to avoid it. This makes sense from a health and safety perspective – you wouldn’t intentionally walk over broken glass or put your hand into a roaring fire.

But not all pain is harmful. There are lesser pains, lesser suffering, that cannot hurt us physically, but torment us emotionally and mentally. This can, in turn lead, to physically symptoms and maladies – migraines, muscles pains, stomach conditions, for example – but our aversion to facing these pains and discomforts can be more damaging than the discomfort itself.

The discomfort of having an unpleasant conversation, for example. Or tackling a difficult memory of a past incident or trauma. Doing things that we don’t want to do for one reason of another. Setting boundaries. The pain we attach to these sorts of discomforts, and our fear of the suffering they involve, often multiplies the suffering. Mole hills become mountains that seem to tower over us, even if they are just an inch or two tall.

There are two ways to deal with suffering. Either we run away from it, or we go through it. 

Running away can be as simple as ignoring it. Allowing the letters from the bank to pile up, unopened. Or it can be worse than that. Having another drink to take the edge off a difficult week. Another spliff. More food. Comforts that offer a modicum of pleasure, instant gratification, in an otherwise ungratifying situation. Distractions. Escapes.

But don’t be mistaken. One way or another you will deal with the thing you are avoiding. The thing that hurts you. And you either deal with it on your terms, or you deal with it on its terms. And if you run away, then the pain sets the rules, and the outcomes, ultimately, lead to more suffering. Alcoholism. Debt. Poor health. Mental and emotional struggles. Lost years, and a life lived out of alignment.

But then there’s the going through. 

Facing the object of our suffering, as Baldwin said – might be daunting, might be frightening, it might require us to get off our asses and do something – but ultimately, the outcome belongs to us. Whether things work out favourably or not, we come away stronger.

Take the analogy of exercise. Going out for that morning run might seem like a terrible idea – especially on a rainy day. And indeed, it might be cold and wet, you might get out of breath and sweaty. But at the end of it you feel empowered, you’ve taken action, you’ve chosen to do something hard, and you’ve come out the other side. And your body will thank you for it too.

Or there’s the alternative. Stay in bed. Hit the snooze button. You can always go for a run tomorrow. You know you’re a little bit overweight and sure, you get out of breath going up the stairs, but one more lie-in won’t hurt. 

And somewhere down the line, you deal with it, when your trousers don’t fit any more, and your self-esteem is at an all-time low, and your doctor wants to put you on statins to help with your blood pressure.

This is how life works. The more you flee suffering, the more you become a passive participant in your own existence, the more you disappear. But the more you do the hard thing, the more you open those letters from the bank, eat the disgusting smoothies, have the difficult conversations, go for the morning runs, the more you step into life – and the more life steps up to meet you.

It might seem daunting, but consider this quote – one of my favourites – from Greek philosopher, Thucidydes:

“Happiness comes from freedom; freedom comes from courage.”

Courage is a muscle that feeds on action. Find the courage to do the uncomfortable thing, to step into the void, to face your demons, to deal with those difficult memories – and not only will you get stronger, but all of those things will become less intimidating. And the next time you step up, it feels easier.

How do you summon up courage? By letting go. And how do you let go? By taking a big breath, and then breathing out. There in that moment, when you feel the release of exhalation, that’s where courage lives. That’s where the real, full you, lives. And with each courageous step, with each turn to face your suffering, the real, full you steps into the light.

One last word, on suffering, from Rumi, the 13th century Persian poet:

“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”

Your suffering is life telling you something needs attention. Just as a hand left too close to a flame begins to get hot, or a back that has suffered from a bad posture begins to ache, or suffering is a call for action. The Stoics said that the obstacle is the way. If you run away from our pain – your obstacle – if you hide from it, seek escape from, in the end it will find new ways to escalate and hurt you. But if you turn to face it, engage with it, listen to it and act upon it, it will cower in your presence and you will learn. You will grow.

And you will own the outcomes.