Control What You Can, Not What You Can't

There is this illusory trap that many of us fall into, and due to its nature, we find it incredibly difficult to escape. Yet getting out is easy.

We are led to believe that happiness, and indeed success, wealth, and all manner of desirable things, will be achieved when we somehow gain control over things that we simply cannot control.

When we get enough followers, we’ll become rich and famous. When we figure out our side hustle, we’ll no longer have to work hard. When we get the rewards that life owes us, we’ll be happier, more complete people.

But we can’t control these things. We can’t force people to like our Instagram posts. We can’t force our boss to give us a pay rise. We can’t force the world to admire us. We can’t make the sun come out, the rain stop, or our numbers come up in the lottery.

Yet this is where we tend to focus our attention. On all those things that are separate to us, beyond our influence, which we cannot control. And then we become frustrated, angry and bitter, when life doesn’t shine brightly in our direction. It’s so unfair.

But there are things we can control. Things that, when we start to engage with them, they will begin to exert a subtle influence on the other things beyond our reach.

As Samuel Goldwyn famously said: “The harder I work, the luckier I get.”

It’s by focusing on the things we can control, that we can begin to shape our lives. The actions we take, the effort we put in, the way we behave, the way we think. When we stay up late, we resent feeling tired the next day. We curse those people who somehow seem to be blessed with the perfect physique, as they head to the gym and we tuck in to our second slice of chocolate cake. We feel angry that nobody listens to us, when we don’t extend that same courtesy to anyone else, and instead complain ceaselessly about how unlucky we are. 

We seek pity about our lack of confidence and self-esteem, our inability to make decisions, our lack of assertiveness. Yet we do nothing to address these things. We don’t engage in the practices that make us feel good, that help us cope with our anxieties, that make us feel energised, rested, and ready to take on the world. We don’t love ourselves enough to be loved by others, and to love in return.

When we begin to work on ourselves, the world around us transforms. As we improve ourselves, the world mirrors us. As we become more decisive, more confident, the steps we take lead us to different, better places. As we learn to listen to others more deeply, we find them taking more of an interest in us. When we take ownership of the things we can control – those parts of ourselves related to mind, body and spirit, the way we act and behave, our habits and the way we conduct ourselves moment to moment, the thoughts streaming through our heads – then we our world improves. Suddenly the game shifts in our favour, and we become empowered to craft our lives to our design. 

Simply put, it’s this: 

There are things we can control, and things we can’t control. And when we focus on the things we can control, we’ll gain some control over the things we can’t.

We can’t command the birds to come to us, but we can lay down seed.